This marks the beginning of the last part of the story, covering the journey through northern Europe from Vienna in Austria to Stockholm in Sweden. If you have followed the tale so far and continue to do so to the end, you might notice a change in both what the story entails and how that is described. I would like to clarify why that is so, emphasising that it has nothing to do with what either you as a reader or I as a writer would have liked the story to be.
The input lag between experiencing and writing grew slowly but steady up to about a month of delay by the time I reached Vienna. It was mostly so because I always had a due date to be back in Sweden for work, but no hard deadline for my writing project. That delay is undeniably significant, but still not enough to know all what would come. I had yet to see the end of the journey and thus the writing naturally depicted events less how they felt afterwards, more how they felt in the moment. Following the events of chapter 46 where Vienna was reached, my wellbeing was heavily affected (as you are soon to discover) to the point where writing had to be halted. This last part of the chronicle is therefore written up to three months after it happened. While I will largely focus on the moments as I felt then, I cannot deny that memory by design is flawed and devious. From here on, the story becomes less about the journey as it was, and more about the journey as I remember it. On the upside, the distance to the events have granted some much needed perspective, and I will use it to help describe what I went through.
Previous chapters, as well as the experience they convey, have been self-contained to a lesser or greater degree. Each place had a life of its own and each meeting its unique connection where one did not significantly affect the next. As technical issues with the bicycle became fewer and farther between, there was little that carried over from one episode to another - or at least, so it seemed. The remaining chapters in this story will all be connected what happened in chapter 46, as the events completely dominated how I lived the rest of the journey. Thus, for the episodes in this last part to make sense, one needs to at least have read that particular entry. I will include such a disclaimer where appropriate.
Self-evidently, it was not my intent for the journey to take this turn, and yet it did. I also want to make it fully clear that I have no illusion that what will follow makes for the most attractive content. Had I aimed to maximise clicks and viewership I would surely choose a different take. But as it happens, my intention is for this story to be as raw as I can possibly make it, and that is an intention I will see through to the end. To the best of my fallible abilities, I will refrain from writing anything else than my honest truth and I will do so even if, especially if, it means skipping what you or I would have liked the story to be. Because frankly, at the time, I literally could not give a damn.
You might also notice that progression comes rather quickly now that we get closer to the end, where chapters cover more days on average than before. This is not out of sloth or time constraint, but mainly for the sake of interest and variety. As it was, the same thoughts, worries and regrets spun round and round in my head hour after hour, day after day. The passing of time as I experienced it was neither fast or slow, rather it was a hard concept to grasp at all as I was not really present. In short, I will not add anything that was not, nor will I make you go through what I did, seeing the same scenes play over and over and over again.
I do not hope to spread gossip or to expose anybody but myself. If while reading you wonder what more happened, what details have been omitted, I would advice you to put such natural curiosity aside for the moment and trust that all what is written is my truth. For the respect and privacy of others it might be the entirety of it, but it is as raw and real as I can put it at this time.
Throughout the remaining weeks of the journey, I reaped the benefits of being homeward bound. In designing the adventure, it was most intentional to be directed toward home, rather than away. I figured that when I would be at my lowest point, I would just want to go home. Having the journey be about that should be motivating when, not if, that moment would come. Now it did, and the homegoing effect was crucial. Had I been going away, I am not sure if I would see the point to continue. As it was, that was what I hung on to.
In the coming chapter, we will pick up the story on a cornfield somewhere in Austria. I was like a probe gone rogue, lost in space, now crashed on Earth. My bearings were gone. No contact with base, no protocol to follow, chasing nothingness, finally stranded. From there, the story follows a man who abandoned those he loved in search for something he loses faith in, filled with regret over the choices that led him astray. Even so, he keeps on going, clinging to the hope that just maybe there is yet a way for him to return to that which he lost and those whom he left. On a similar note, through earphones and imagination my path was often orchestrated by eerie sci-fi music of exploration, of discovery, of loneliness and of desperation. Spending so much time with only myself, accompanying music became an important part of my journey.
While this last part may not be what I most would have enjoyed to live nor what you most would have enjoyed to read, I feel it no less meaningful to write. I believe in the sharing of depth, of struggle, of pain and of the process of healing. I hope for the coming chapters to give a different view into what life on the road can be like, and to act as a reminder that not all pictures speak thousands of words and certainly not words of truth. In fact, while there will be some imagery of what went on without, it does a poor job of conveying what transpired within. Hence, I sit here with pen in hand, literally.
I wish for the final episodes to encourage and inspire readers to open up about the struggles that are really lived and felt, even as they happen. And lastly, to send some strength out there to anyone who needs it - an embrace to remind you that even when it most feels so, you are not alone. You are not alone.
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